August 1, 2015. The darkest days of my life were surrounding me, Stanley’s drug addiction had fully taken over and his life was hanging by a thread. His family had called a meeting to talk about Stanley’s suicide attempt the previous Wednesday which had left him hospitalized and beyond fragile. They had just become aware of this world that I had been living in for so long, and I knew they would be upset, with a lot of questions. I hadn’t told them about anything we were dealing with, mostly out of fear of my husband. He did not want me talking to anyone about anything, and I was the master of doing whatever he asked of me, trying to keep the peace. Staying silent was one of his main requests, so much so, that I was threatened if I didn’t. So I sat there in silence, and decided to write his family a letter explaining what I had so badly wanted to explain for years. A letter that I planed to drop off that night to have them read together.
Stanley’s visitation hours were very strict. He was on constant watch with little to no freedom. I had already planned to go visit him that day, so I decided I would still visit him and take the letter to the family after. This was the visit I said the words “You have 90 days to fix what is broken”. Having the peace I felt when I said what I said, I knew he needed this. Maybe it was just to get him healthy for himself and for our children. I didn’t know. But whatever the reason, I left the visit knowing I wouldn’t be delivering the letter, at least “not today”.
As we were sitting in bed the other night, Stanley came across my letter. I can’t really put in to words the emotions that took over as we read it together. It took us right back to that day, August 1, 2015. We both were overcome with gratitude as we looked back on all of the miracles that have happened since that day. All of the miracles that we KNOW came from our Heavenly Father and Savior.
Miracles keep happening and are constantly blessing me and my family. I am SO grateful and still have to pinch myself at times. If you would have told me I would be where I am today 10 months ago, I wouldn’t have believed you, and I would have shown you this; The Letter I Never Sent…
“Dear Havili Family,
I want to start by saying how much I love and am thankful for each of you! I am so lucky to have you as my family. But as most of you have now found out, Stanley and I are separated, and have also been talking about getting a divorce. This isn’t something that just came up. It has been going on for a very long time, and I have been fighting and fighting to stay and work through it, I promise.
I don’t think it’s necessary for you to know in detail things that have been said and done over the last 10 years, but I finally came to a point back in February where I just had to stand up for myself and not allow it anymore. I want you all to know that I have given him chance after chance, lies after lies etc. and he just continued to hurt me. I have begged him to get help, but he would flat out say he wasn’t ready to change and wasn’t ready to give up the drugs, even if it meant losing us. I know he didn’t truly mean any of it, and I know he didn’t mean to pick drugs over me and our kids, but that’s exactly what he keeps doing. And it’s not just drugs. There have been other addictions as well. I know he has an illness and I know there are deeper issues but I always felt like he was using me as his punching bag instead of facing the real problem and trying to fix it.
I always tried really hard to be very careful around him each day, not knowing what kind of day it was going to be for him. I tried to be loving, positive, supportive, all the things I thought he needed from me. But, I was just enabling him. I wish I would have told you all sooner and I am so sorry that I didn’t. Stanley did not want me telling anyone, and I would do as he said hoping that by doing what he wanted, he wouldn’t get upset. I probably handled every thing completely wrong, I just didn’t know what to do.
Stanley always says that I am the reason he uses and I am the reason for what he did Wednesday morning. I don’t want to have that effect on him because I love and care about him so much! I want him to be healthy, safe and happy! That’s all I have ever wanted. With all of that said, I obviously want to be a part of his recovery to show my love and support, but I just want whats best for him. And I don’t think, right now in time, that I should be involved.
My heart is where it is and even though this awful, awful, thing happened, I am going to continue forward and file for divorce. I can’t stay with him just because I am scared of him and what he is capable of doing. I won’t live like that any longer.
I have been talking to some counselors, specialists, and doctors to see when the best time for him would be to receive the papers. Because again, his safety means everything to me. A few of them have said to do it asap while he has so much attention, love and support around him, so it will be happening soon. That is not going to be easy, so he is really going to need you guys more than ever because I know this will be hard on him. Especially since in the hospital he was still threatening his life and wishing that he would have died. He needs some serious help moving forward so again please come together and help him! I want you all to know, as I have told him a million times, I am NOT going to take his kids away from him. I wouldn’t even dream of doing that! However, until he is clean and healthy, I do think it is best that he is with family and is supervised when with our kids. So I am asking you to be there with him so that he can see his kids, as much as possible! They love him and need him. Not only would I not take them away from him, but I would not take him away from them!
I really do love Stanley and care about him more than anyone will ever know. I always have and I always will. But this is what I feel is best.
Again I love you all so much, and I apologize for doing this through letter. I just knew I wouldn’t be able to do it in person because I care so much about you all and wouldn’t be able to say what needed to be said.
Thank you for your love and support.
I am so thankful I didn’t deliver this letter that day in August. And I chose to share this with you to show you, miracles can and will happen if you turn to God. I couldn’t have fixed things. Stanley couldn’t have fixed things. But with the Lord, all things are possible.
“Our Savior will help us. He is the great mediator, and He is able to soften hearts and heal wounds. He knows how to bring people to a unity of heart and mind”-Healing Through Christ pg.83